So the whole cat thing backfired, and it made me more fatigued during the last time I would ever enjoy a baby of my own. But I couldn’t resent my husband because I had been justly punished for my own manipulation. Now let me tell you about a time that I was manipulating and didn’t even know it.
I love my husband. If you’ve read my love story, you know that I’ve always loved my husband dearly. I wanted my husband to sleep in on the weekends, because he loved sleeping in. Of course, I loved sleeping in, too… But I wanted my husband to feel refreshed. So I let him sleep in every weekend. I felt no resentment whatsoever, but only a purity of heart. This went on for years.
Come to find out after we we were done having kids, I suddenly wasn’t willing to fall on the sword any more. I wanted my husband to watch the kids so I could sleep in once in a while. A veil lifted, and I saw the real reason why I let my husband sleep in: I didn’t want my husband to feel fatigue so that he would give me more children.
Why am I sharing this story with you? Because you need to understand that ALL of us are selfish pigs, and we don’t see the reality of our actions. I knew that I had purity of heart for wanting to let my husband sleep in. You see, you do things that you think you have godly motives for, and you’re only deceiving yourself. This holds true for all mankind.
The only way to have pure and true motives is to yield to the Spirit of God. Even our good works are as filthy rags before God. When the veil lifted for me, God showed me other layers of selfishness. He peeled layer after layer of selfishness off me. My whole life (since salvation) I was pure and obedient to God. At least that’s what I thought. I was like the good son in the prodigal story. If I ever sinned, I always repented as soon as I knew. I never went through a rebellious stage as a teenager. I even obeyed my parents behind their back, avoiding parties that I could have gone to because I didn’t want to ruin my father’s reputation as a seminary professor. I had done so much for God over the years, or at least I thought I had.
Then I came across the passage in Isaiah 6, where the holy angels had to block their faces in the presence of God, and I suddenly cried out with all my heart and soul, “God, make me holy! Do anything!” You see, I realized that I wasn’t.
He peeled so many layers of sin off me. He burned them off. It was so painful as I saw that everything that I had ever done was worth nothing. I did it because I liked thinking that I was good. I thought I was doing all that for God, but God showed me that I was sorely mistaken.
Was the real purifying of my soul worth all the pain? Absolutely. I feel the presence of God in my life now more than ever. I am overwhelmed by the holiness of God, and God does things through me I never thought possible. Being yielded to the Spirit is true freedom, and everything you do through the power of the Spirit has eternal value.
