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Virtual or Real? (Part 1)

Tuesday, November 15th, 2011

I had a nightmare a couple of nights ago that my daughter got thrown off a horse and died. I screamed and ran over to where she was, covered in blood. Her body was in a position where she couldn’t possibly be alive. I felt unspeakable pain; then I abruptly woke up.

I splashed my face with cold water, and walked into the kitchen to make coffee. I looked through the dining room door to my six-year-old daughter, who was diligently doing her math, dressed in her night gown. She’s always the first one up.

But today I stopped. I drank in the moment. She’s alive. She’s still small. I haven’t missed anything. I walked over to her, hugged her tightly, and kissed her head.

Then I walked away, turned on the computer, and posted my blog entry for the day. I went to post it on Facebook, and there I saw my friends and what they were doing. Soon I was drawn in…

Half an hour later I realized I hadn’t had my coffee, so I walked back into the kitchen to pour it. Then I walked straight back to the computer.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The next day I watched the movie “Secretariat,” which I had found on DVD at the library. My kids were munching popcorn as they watched the horses racing. But what struck me the most was an off-handed moment at a party, where the husband dances with his daughter who is all grown up now. And I saw my daughter grown up, and I started bawling that I had missed it.

My daughter is still six. She was cuddled up beside me, wondering why my eyes were watering, but I don’t want to miss her life, or the lives of my sons. I want to live.

I want to LIVE.

I don’t want to be sucked into the virtual world, the world that is online. Yes, God has called me to it, and He keeps putting things on my heart to write about. And yet where is the limit? Where is the boundary? How do I remind myself… Look, my kids are alive… My kids are here… I want to be present with them, to be living in the moment.

One of my sons was praying in the dark tonight, and I suddenly came up with the title “Virtual or Real?” I wanted to write it down before I forgot. But another son wanted to pray. I’m ashamed to say it, but I told my son, “God can hear you. Go ahead and pray without me. I need to write something down.” I closed the door and walked away.

I stopped halfway up the stairs and screamed in my soul, “No! This is exactly what I’m talking about!” In the dark, I ran back to my sons’ bedroom and opened the door.

“Are you still praying?”

“Yes,” said my son, and he continued his prayer. As soon as he finished, I said good night and shut the door. I paused and stared into the darkness.

(Stay tuned for part 2…)

Tags:facebook, priorities, social media, virtual
Posted in Social Media | 20 Comments »

Feed My Sheep

Thursday, October 27th, 2011

Many years ago I took an Old Testament class given by my pastor. We studied one book of the Old Testament per week, and it took a year to get through the Old Testament. I turned in Charlotte Mason summaries for each book of the Bible as it was presented. (Right before I took this class, I had read the six Charlotte Mason books and was enthralled with the idea of written narrations for personal Bible study.) I tried to think of every detail I could remember from each book, and I wrote it down in tiny print in pencil on blank sheets of paper.

Well, study for the class took between 2 to 10 hours a day. (Ten hours only happened once, the day I did Genesis.) I loved splashing into the Word of God and surrounding myself with it. It was my food and my breath. I felt like I was inside the stories.

When the class was over, I asked my pastor to please hand back my papers, because those were my only copies. He said the reason he kept them was so that his secretary would type them up for him, because the summaries gave him a fresh perspective on Scripture. I was honored that a pastor could actually learn anything from me.

After that last class was over, I heard a sermon on prayer. I realized that my prayer life was almost non-existent, and I committed to God that I would learn how to pray. Since I already had at least 2 hours for studying the Bible (usually during nap time for my tiny kids, or during an hour of outdoor play time where I would study my Bible outside on a swing or blanket), I decided that I would set aside one hour to pray before I would be allowed to read the Bible. (You can see how hard that was by reading “The Beginning of a Prayer Warrior.”)

After the month was over, I had no obligations, but I had built a new spiritual discipline into my life, and I considered it highly valuable. Well, my godly mentor rebuked me one day for spending too much time in the Word of God. I needed to spend more time being “present” with my children. She was right.

As I drove alone in the car one day to run an errand, I asked God, “So how much time do You want me to spend in Bible study?” I opened my heart to God and expected an answer. I heard (it was not audible, but an impression on my mind), “Do you love Me?” I said, “What the heck. That’s not an answer.” Then I heard it again, “Do you love Me?” “Of course I love You, Lord. What a ridiculous question.” Again I heard, “Do you love Me?” By this time I was nearly in tears. I was hurt. How on earth could He ask me if I loved Him? And then the words came, “Feed My sheep.” I sat there stunned. The Holy Spirit had confirmed what my godly mentor had said. What I needed to do was abide, and spend more time imparting to the children what I already knew. Yes, I would spend time in the Word, but that was no longer my focus. My focus was to pour the Word of God into my children.

At that point, when I studied the Word of God, it was to prepare to teach my children. (God taught me personally from what I was preparing for my children.) Many years passed this way before God gave me permission to study the Word of God for myself again.

Tags:Bible study, Charlotte Mason, Christian Living, parenting, summaries
Posted in Parenting | 6 Comments »

The Story Behind the Website: Part 2

Tuesday, September 20th, 2011

Okay, so what does all this freaky stuff about adopting children and getting free washer/dryers have to do with me starting a website? Good question.

#1 God freed up my time to start a website.

God had me terminate my time as a leader of Cub Scouts because I was too overwhelmed because this process of counseling a woman was stretched out over several months. Keep in mind I wasn’t sleeping properly because the woman would call me every night after midnight. And I would have to convince her that life was worth living.

When the woman’s crisis was over, I suddenly had a ton of free time. The weight of counselling someone was gone. And I had let go many of the things I was doing so that I would have enough energy to counsel. Now I suddenly felt I had the margin to begin something new.

#2 We were about to go bankrupt.

Meanwhile, we were about to go bankrupt, and my husband was keeping this information from me. I’ve been stressed over finances in the past, and I now had felt tranquility in my soul for years, even if we ended up living in a cardboard box. I was envisioning my family living under a bridge, and I was okay with that. It’s because I trust God, that whatever hideous thing comes my way, He will turn it around into something beautiful for my good. I have seen this too many times to not believe and trust in God in an unbelievable way. I was not afraid when my husband told me.

You see, it was the first year of the recession, and my husband had gotten a pay cut. We could no longer pay our bills. I was selling everything that wasn’t nailed down. I go into more detail about this in my finances audio, which is a huge testimony of God’s provision for me.

#3 I needed to find a work-at-home job.

But during that time, my own mother told me to go work at Walmart. I’m not kidding. “Mom, I homeschool, and my kids are not old enough to be alone. I need to find a way to make money from home.”

#4 A wise mentor suggested I start a website.

Soon an elder’s wife from my church (who is my gray-haired mentor) said that I needed to start a homeschooling website because I was good at homeschooling, and I was good at writing. I could even teach classes on video for people to buy. I was mentally numb when she first said it because I hated computers. “But your husband is a computer person. He could do whatever you couldn’t do,” she said.

“I’ll think about it,” I said.

#5 Spiritual joy accompanied the birth of my website.

Later that day I felt an incredible spiritual joy about starting the website. I knew it was what God wanted me to do. I was so excited, I could barely contain myself. The ideas came to me so quickly, I could barely keep up. And the funny thing was that my time was freed up. I had spent 10 hours a week preparing for Cub Scouts, and the precious woman was out of her dangerous situation. I had nothing to do. The hours that I had spent on Cub Scouts suddenly were freed up for my website.

The events preceding the birth of my website were like dominoes that freed up my time and emotional energy (and gave me a reason) to do what God wanted me to do. If the time and energy had not been carved out by God through other means, I probably would have never started my website, since I hated computers.

#6 I love it. My website helps me fulfill my life’s purpose.

The highest compliment for me is when people tell me that my website has God all over it. I have had joy with everything I’ve done for my website. God has also opened doors for me to do speaking engagements, and I love it. I love homeschoolers, I love writing, I love all of it.

Tags:business, website
Posted in Family Life | 6 Comments »

The Story Behind the Website: Part 1

Monday, September 19th, 2011

I never liked the computer. It was a big bulky thing that I didn’t know anything about. Up until I started my website, I only checked my e-mail once every three months, when someone on the phone told me to check it. I wrote real letters in my own handwriting with a pencil. I know, with my husband being a computer guru, you would think I would at least dabble with it, but no.

I had been a popular leader of a local Cub Scout group for a couple of years. We would zoom go-carts down hills, smash rocks until sparks would fly, and play on a home-made pirate ship off my back deck. The group of boys doubled in size from one year to the next. At the end of the second year, God moved my heart away from it.

You see, I was sleep deprived and overwhelmed, and you will understand why in a minute. (I thought I was going to have to adopt a bunch of teenagers.) I knew that I could not spend the 10 plus hours a week preparing for Cub Scouts any more: ordering and preparing materials, organizing field trips, and other planning. I resigned.

So how did the whole adoption thing come up? I was counseling someone over the phone every night in the middle of the night. When the phone rang, I would get out of bed, go to the living room, get on my knees, and beg God to give me the wisdom for this woman. To tell a woman in distress the wrong thing can cause huge ramifications. The woman made me swear to her that if she ended up dead, I would gain custody of her children. She would not let me hang up the phone one night until I promised to adopt her children if anything should happen to her.

Then something scary happened. I was having a casual conversation with God while doing laundry. I said, “If I’m going to have these extra children, I’m going to need a bigger washer/dryer.”

I told no one.

The next day a larger washer/dryer was rolling up our driveway. I nearly had a heart attack. This meant that the woman was going to be dead. I went white and looked like I was going to pass out.

Someone was upgrading their washer/dryer, and they were giving us their old dinosaur washer/dryer, which was way better than ours, and way bigger.

Trembling, I told my husband what I had flippantly said to God the previous day. My husband laughed. “That doesn’t mean anything.”

“This is not coincidence. Coincidence doesn’t exist, and you know it! God has control of every atom of this universe. He did this on purpose just to freak me out.”

“If God wants us to have these kids,” my husband said, “He will give us the strength to do so.” Wise man, my husband.

Several days later my husband looked back at our children in the van and said, “If those kids are joining us, we’re going to need a bigger van.”

“Stop it,” I said. But in my head I was re-arranging for homeschooling. If these children ended up being mine, I was not going to send them into the school system. I’m just not, I thought. I was figuring out how to do Civil War with high school as well as my own children, throwing in high school science and wondering what the children had already taken…

Suddenly I knew that no matter what happened, I would be able to do it. I had always wanted a large family. I was at peace; an exhilerating peace where I feel like I’m on a motorcycle, but I’m not the one driving. That’s actually a really good picture of what my yielding to God is like, quiet, yet thrilling in what He will do next.

Thank God the crisis was averted. God was building my faith, and I had passed the test.

(Stay tuned for part two…)

Tags:business, faith, website
Posted in Family Life | 7 Comments »

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