Posts Tagged ‘dating’

A Rebuttal to the Courtship Movement

Friday, April 20th, 2012

courtship-movementI’ve listened to many, many hours of workshops about the courtship movement in homeschool Christian circles. The premise is that young people should not date. When they are ready to get married, they “court” a pre-approved person (that the parents have checked out thoroughly), and the young people are never alone together. They never kiss until their wedding day. The parents of the young people seem to be orchestrating the entire thing from beginning to end, to avoid any emotional pain on the part of the daughter or son.

At first I just soaked it all in, having no opinion. I highly value purity before marriage, so the topic appealed to me. But the more I listened, the more uneasy I became. I couldn’t put my finger on why I was disturbed. I talked to my husband about it, and he basically said that he trusted our kids, and that he didn’t want to micromanage who they were going to marry. My husband and I did not court. We dated. We kissed. We were alone together. I wouldn’t trade those days for the world. I was walking on air in anticipation of becoming his bride. Those pre-marriage kisses were absolutely fantastic. We both remained pure before marriage.

Scripture only gives two commands concerning future marriage: no fornication and not being unequally yoked. To add lots of rules to what God has written is sin, especially when you are putting those rules on other people. It causes people to feel like they have an anvil too hard to carry. That’s because God never intended compounding rules to weigh down His commands. Young people who can’t stand the suffocation of the situation end up breaking a real command of God, which has been lumped in with the artificial rules. This is a recipe for disaster.

A better thing to do as a parent is to have a deep, rich relationship with your kids, where you trust them. Realize that the Bible says to leave father and mother in this process. The person should pray about his or her spouse and feel peace from God that this is their soul mate. The man should lead the woman in the relationship; the parents should not be leading the man like a puppet. Otherwise the woman is submitting to the man’s parents, and this horrible, unbiblical interference in marriage is established as a habit.

People who court still break up and have emotional pain. That is not avoided unless you’ve not involved your heart.

No, people need to be accountable under God. Presumably if they’re Christians they care about purity. Other than that, they’re free. If they want to sit down and have a 3-hour conversation about God without having anyone else in the room, they should be able to do that.

The Story is in the Wallet

Monday, February 21st, 2011


Before I send my daughter off to college, I will teach her a trick that will save her a lot of heartache. I’m sure that at first you’ll gasp at what I did back when I was in my mid-twenties and I had no potential suitors. Men were asking me out every week, and I wanted a quick way to weed out the losers.

I riffled through their wallets.

But I had their full permission. How did I get permission? By now you know me well enough that you should know I never pulled their wallet out of their back pocket. Oh, no. I never let them get that close. I waited until he paid for dinner. When his wallet was out, I asked if I could see his wallet.

What made the man say yes? (I never had a man say no.) To diffuse the awkward situation, smile sweetly and make your eyes dance. Say please if you have to. He will take it as flirtation. Since he asked you out, he’s obviously interested in you. Let this give you the confidence you need to pull this off.

Once he hands you the wallet, be quick about it. You’re looking for three things:

  1. A picture of a girl. This is a sure indication that he’s not ready to move on. He’s still in love with that person, even if he denies it. If the man tells you it’s his sister, he’s a liar. No one keeps a picture of his sister in his back pocket.
  2. A condom. If I saw a condom, the date was over. He didn’t care about my purity.
  3. Number of credit cards. If he has 10 credit cards, this indicates that he’s bad with money. One or two is ideal. Amount of cash is no indication of character. Sometimes more cash indicates that he uses cash rather than credit to buy things, which indicates good money sense.

Scripture tells us to be wise as serpents, innocent as doves. I’m telling you this to help your daughters preserve their purity and not get their hearts broken. Do you actually want your daughter to walk into a room alone, with a man who has a condom in his pocket? Didn’t think so.