“But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed.” (Matthew 18:2 NASB)
If second degree church discipline happens before first degree, it’s called slander.
Just think about it: if someone sins against you and you go blabbing to others about how bad that person is, the gossip and slander that you are committing poisons the minds of the people that you’re talking to against that person. You are in effect ruining that person’s reputation when they don’t even know about their sin. This is evil.
The only person that you should talk to is the person that sinned against you. But let’s say you’re a wimp. The thought of confronting that other person gives you panic attacks. If you sincerely can’t do the right thing, I will give you one way out: you may tell your husband. But you must realize that this is also sin. (I’ll tell you why in a minute.) If you acknowledge to your husband that you yourself are sinning, your husband can give you perspective on the situation which might cause you to stop obsessing and forgive the person. Your husband is your priest, according to Ephesians 5, where he washes you with the Word. My own husband always rebukes me, so it’s no fun for me to tell him. Also, men usually realize that a woman’s perspective is often marred by hormones and emotion, and that the facts are often skewed. For this reason, your husband might not be poisoned against that other person because of your words. The thing that makes it sin is if your husband believes the bad stuff about the other person, because then the person’s reputation is ruined when they don’t even know that they sinned.
I know of a woman who told her husband a skewed perspective of what she perceived as the truth. Her husband then told the pastor these alleged “facts” that were basically hearsay that had stewed in a cauldron of the woman’s soul for years. You can imagine that the man who was slandered against had to leave the church, even though he hadn’t even sinned. I myself bear witness to this specific event, which was excruciating to the person who was slandered. This is why I say it’s still sin to tell your husband.
Now let me tell you how second degree is supposed to work. Let’s say you do the right thing. You go to the person who sinned, and you tell them they sinned. (Most of the time this will be the end of it, because they will apologize, and all is well.) But let’s say they don’t handle it well, and they yell at you and call you names. Or the opposite: they look smug and self-righteous, and their ears are plugged against you.
If you told no one, prayed about it, and confronted the person, I’m clapping for you. I’m giving you a standing ovation. Wow, you’ve got guts. Confront the person as gently as you can, since harsh words stir up anger. My personal secret weapon is to yield to God in the moment and let God give me the words. When I rehearse words beforehand, it’s only manipulation and stewing, and it causes me more stress. So I commit my situation to God and phone the person. It’s easier than talking to the person face to face. You can also write an e-mail, but these words can come back and bite you, even if they are exactly what God wants you to say. I write a letter occasionally because when someone’s ears are plugged and they won’t listen to anything you say, you sometimes need to set up the argument and use many, many Scriptures to knock down their sin. In situations like these, I go ahead and write the letter, even though it might bite me. I do it because it’s the right thing, and so help me God, I will do the right thing.
So let’s say you confronted the person privately about their sin, and they wouldn’t listen. Now it’s biblical for you to tell one person. Pick a person who you think will be heard by the person sinning. Don’t just pick a person who will side with you. Make it as easy as possible for the person to repent. Don’t make it humiliating. Every human being deserves to have some form of dignity.
So the two of you need to confront the person who did not repent when you went to them one-on-one. Most of the time the person who sinned will repent at this point, because they will realize that it’s not just you with a personal vendetta against them, but that what you’re saying is actually true.
The damage is minimized to two people who love the person who sinned, enough to tell them to stop.
(Stay tuned for third degree church discipline…)
