Susan's Homeschool Blog

1. If you don’t know how to shepherd your wife, neither did my husband, so that’s no excuse. Ask God how to do it. “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all men generously and without reproach, and it will be given him.” (James 1:5) Each woman has a different personality and struggles in different areas. Only God knows how to do it right, so you need wisdom from God. Realize that you are already equipped by God to lead your own wife.
2. You have to have a desire to do it. This desire has to be greater than the television, the computer, or whatever fun hobby you enjoy. Your ease shouldn’t be Lord. God should be Lord, and by “Lord,” I mean that you obey His commands, and this is one of them. (Ephesians 5:25-27)
3. Realize the incredible power you have over your wife – she will be stunted in her spiritual growth if you do nothing. When you stand before God, you don’t want to be ashamed, for you are truly responsible for your wife’s spiritual life.
4. Be nice. If you’re harsh, it only wounds your wife. Speak the truth in love. Don’t be afraid of silence, and in the silence, ask God for wisdom. This is what my husband does. Ask God for the words that you need to say to your wife. He will give them to you. Expect an answer from God, and you will get it. Also, realize that your wife can only be changed by God, so you want God to be involved.
5. Realize that it might take an hour. Don’t assume that the conversation will only last five minutes. Don’t rush. Stay with it until growth occurs. Don’t have a plan to do something else right then. You must do this and only this until it’s done. Relax and be in the moment. Don’t have your mind somewhere else.
6. Encourage your wife to share her struggles. The fact that she sins is embarrassing to her, and she would rather not say it. So you need to be interested in your wife’s struggles. If you’re not, you don’t really love your wife. If this is the case, go ahead and ask God for a supernatural love for your wife, because God will give it to you. (If you ask anything according to His will, it will be granted, so God will for sure give you a love for your wife if you ask.)
7. I asked my husband for the nuts and bolts of how he shepherds me, for other men to know. After thinking long and hard, he said something that can apply to almost any situation your wife is struggling with, as far as relationships with other people. He said, “We can’t change the other person who sins against us. We can only change ourselves. If we humble ourselves, that usually resolves the problem with another person.”

If you would like to print out this list, here is the PDF:

What a Man Can Do to Lead his Wife Spiritually

Besides being open to rebuke, you must also share your struggles with your husband if you expect him to shepherd you. But you must see yourself and your husband on one side (righteousness), and ugly sin on the other side, and you both take out your swords and fight sin together. It’s not you against your husband.

I will restate this so you don’t miss it: my husband and I are on the same side. My husband is not my enemy. According to Ephesians 5:25-27, my husband is my priest. Yes, this is biblical, and it’s exciting and sexy. Because it draws you together soul to soul in a way that can only be explained as a mystery similar to the unity of Christ and the church. You must get to this place, or you will never understand the incredible oneness that is possible in your marriage.

God made us to need our husbands to grow to our maximum potential. You will never be all that God intended you to be if you never reach through your husband to God. If you think your husband is not godly enough to do this, you are mistaken. The only prerequisite is that he be saved. God will give him the answers that He purposely withholds from you so that you will go through your husband. By the way, this whole process sanctifies your husband, too. It just happens as a byproduct. So it’s worth it to be spiritually vulnerable with our husbands.

Another incident happened years ago where I was treated unjustly for saying something that was true, but a bit too harshly. (I’ll never understand why people can’t handle the truth and end up punishing people for trivial things while letting deeper sin issues go unaddressed.)

Instead of remaining silent about the injustice, I called my mother to complain about it. I purposely talked in front of my husband, feeling strangely like I might be sinning, and wanting him to pinpoint my sin. I did this subconsciously because I despise sin and want it gone. After I hung up the phone, my husband said, “There was something wrong in the tone of your voice.”

He packed the kids into the van because he was going to give me a break for the evening. But I realized that if I stayed at home, I would continue sinning. I wanted desperately to call someone else and tell them about the injustice. You see, I wanted to complain. I knew that was sin. So even though I was so exhausted I wanted to fall over, I realized that I needed to remain under the headship of my husband. I had to go with him, because I knew that he wouldn’t let me sin. And that was what I wanted.

As we walked around the mall, every time I felt the injustice, my husband refocused my mind on God. (At the time I didn’t realize that he was struggling with it, too.) I’m sure that it was emotionally exhausting for my husband, but he did what needed to be done.

The next day God gave me a beautiful picture of my husband presenting me holy to God. My husband had stayed up all night with his Bible open, grieving before God because my complaining had re-opened an old wound from when he was younger. My husband was being punished for my sin of complaining, and I saw my husband as a type of Christ, taking the punishment for my sin and still loving me tenderly despite my propensity to sin. Scripture says that we as wives are to submit to our husbands as if they were Christ. I finally saw the picture, and I loved my husband more deeply than ever.

(Stay tuned for part 4, “What a Man Can Do to Lead His Wife Spiritually.”)

One night about five years ago, I was tossing and turning in bed, unable to sleep, obsessing about a Christian woman who I thought was prideful. My mind replayed how she had talked down to me over and over again, and her air of haughtiness and scorn suddenly caused me to hate her. I was so worked up that my heart was pounding, and I wanted to scream. I knew that I was sinning, so I asked God for forgiveness for feeling that this woman was like fingernails scratching on a chalkboard. But no matter how much I tried to repent, I wasn’t actually repenting. I was still furious. I finally got up. I needed my husband to help me repent. I wanted to get out of this yucky mire, I wanted to be right with God, and I wanted to go to sleep.

My husband still hadn’t gone to bed. He couldn’t sleep either, so he was watching some program on TV. To his credit, as soon as I came out, he saw that I needed to talk, and he shut off the TV, even though it was the last five minutes of a movie. (I didn’t know this at the time, or I would have gone to make some chamomile tea or something.) The television is not an idol for my husband. He can shut it off any time. He loves me more than the TV.

So I walked into the living room and plopped down on the couch with an agitated sigh. After turning off the TV, my husband turned to me and waited.

Choking down the emotion, I blurted out, “Can you pray with me? The more I think about this woman, the more I hate her guts, and that is not normal for me. I haven’t hated anyone since high school. What is wrong with me? This woman is so prideful; she treats me like a piece of dirt, and I can’t stand it any more! I tried to repent, but it’s not working.”

My husband paused, thinking about it. The room was silent for a moment. I could tell that he was trying to phrase it as gently as possible. He said, “Susan, you realize that you have the same sin. The fact that you don’t like being talked down to indicates that you are prideful yourself. If people don’t think you’re an extremely godly person, you take offense. The truth is that you consider yourself to be better than others.”

In the silence that followed, I knew that my husband was right. The sin that I hated so much was inside of me. I was angry at this woman when in reality, I was the one that was sinning. I felt true remorse for my own sin, which enabled me to forgive the woman who wronged me. My husband and I talked quietly for about an hour. Then he prayed for me, and a weight lifted. The sin was gone.

(Stay tuned for Part 3…)